A Piece of My Heart

Let’s face it. Divorce Sucks.

No matter how ready you are when the end is finally near, it is still a very sad, heartbreaking thing.

I know. Why is my usually hilarious column SO serious today? Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want with it. I’ve been single for a little over three years now. Not one single date. But, that’s ok. I’ve been able to figure out who I am, and grow stronger in the Lord. I have struggled, and seen others struggle, through this, feeling isolated.

Divorce is a bad word in the ‘Christian’ community. It has a stigma about it. Granted, the church has come a long way. Now, there are small groups and support groups at most of the churches around. But, no matter how far it’s come, it’s still something that “we just don’t talk about.” I can totally understand why. The Bible very clearly states that God hates divorce. I mean, the last thing He created was a couple. So, how can people ever really be OK with what God hates? I’ve struggled with this myself.

I was married for seven years. I was afraid God wouldn’t love me anymore, that my family would be disappointed in me, that I would be alone forever. Really, who wants to marry a divorced chick with two little kids? I stayed, miserable, knowing my kids weren’t seeing what a “real” marriage should be. I did not want to disappoint God. I even moved halfway across the country, away from everyone and everything, to give it another chance. I was isolated, alone, and realizing more everyday that I would rather be a single mom for the rest of my life, living with my parents and struggling to raise an ADHD child on my own then continue the way it was.

Here’s a confession, and what I remember when I start to judge myself. (And for all of you judgers out there…) After a huge fight one time, after slammed doors, name-calling, tears and broken glass, I – for just a fraction of a second – thought that I could take that piece of glass and….

I had to leave.

The day I packed up the one-way van rental, buckled the kids in and drove away was the saddest and most difficult thing I had ever done. My marriage was over – it was a LONG, slow collapse. I was ready for it, so glad to finally be released. But, I was still ending what was supposed to be a ‘til death’ thing, taking my children away from their father, starting over AGAIN. I almost started crying. But I couldn’t. I had to be strong for my babies. I had to show them that, even though it was sad, we could get through it.

I think that we did stay until death. The death of a soul, of happiness, of love. As much as God hates divorce, I think He hates seeing His children suffer more.

I don’t regret it. My children are happier, I am calmer, my walk with God is so much better. God still loves me. My family still loves me. One day, I’ll meet my Prince Charming, even if I have to wait until Heaven.

So, let’s embrace this stigmatized group of people. Love them unconditionally like the Lord says, and realize that they didn’t just ‘sin’ – they chose life.