When Hope Doesn't Float

I have to admit something.

Today I don't really like hope.

Does anyone else feel that sometimes, or am I the only one?

And considering it's Christmas, and the Hope of the world is what we're celebrating, I feel pretty heathen-ish right about now.

I suppose it's because I get so tired of waiting and waiting and praying and, well, HOPING for things that never happen. They're not crazy things. I'm not hoping for a giant mansion or bazillions of dollars or fame or any other outlandish thing. (I don't consider hoping that Alex O'Loughlin and I meet and he falls in love with me outlandish. Just sayin')

The Bible says lots about hope and hope-like subjects. I have lots of them written down for quick reference. I read them a lot, just to remind myself that God promises that He won't fail those who's hope is in Him.

And yet today I feel a little failed.

Which, as a Christian, I know is not how I'm supposed to feel. Funny thing is, though, that I don't feel all that guilty about not feeling sunshine and rainbow hope.

Gasp.

Deep down, I know that I haven't been failed. I know that He hears me. It bugs me that He hasn't answered, but I know that He's ok with me being bugged. How can I say that? Because I believe that He is more interested in my honesty then with putting on a holy-show. I kind of figure that He knows what I'm really thinking anyway, so it doesn't do any good to act hope-filled and happy when I'm not.

So, right now, after years of hoping for certain things, and praying for them and still not seeing anything, I'm not feeling the hope-love right now. In fact, hope makes me a little angry.

I think of Proverbs 13:12 a lot - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Today my heart is sick. Anyone else feel that way sometimes, or am I the only one?