Sickness, Healing, Prayer - and All That Stuff

My mom is sick.

We (and by we, I mean several doctors so far) can't figure out what's wrong with her.

It started in early December. Dizzy, weak, faint-ish.

Over a month later, still the same.

She's been to three or four doctors, who've all taken blood and done heart tests and all sorts of stuff. She's tried a few medicines (she's uber-sensitive), eats more and better (not that we eat bad to begin with). It's so frustrating because she's had to basically quit life. She can't drive, and it uses so much energy to get ready to leave the house that she can barely make it through whatever she went out to do.

I HATE my mom being like this.

[Sidebar - a wonderful doctor friend of ours is determined to figure out what's going on and get her well. Unlike the other doctors that have done standard tests, taken some money, then say, "Oh, well, I can't help you. Next."]

Which brings me to the healing part. I wonder sometimes if God still heals people.

Yes, I've heard - just recently in fact - from friends who have experienced or first-hand witnessed it. I think that's awesome. But, I guess I wonder if it's ever going to be something I see.

The Bible says all sorts of things about prayer and healing and so on. "Where two or more are gathered..." "Whatever you ask for in my name..." Those are a couple of the biggies.

So many people have been praying for my mom, in His name. She's not better. Then you start to wonder if you're praying right, or hard enough, or if you did something that you haven't confessed or whatever. And you start to doubt that God will heal. Or answer your prayers in general.

I believe God CAN heal. I know that He answers prayers for financial, job, marriage, blah blah. I just wonder if He will ever answer me.

Decisions

Today I had to make some decisions, and not the fun kind, like which dress to wear or restaurant to go to. And considering I can never decide where to eat, hard decisions are torturous.

As I wrote about earlier (here if you missed it), I'm losing my GI Bill, which is just over half of my income, which is not good. I hoped to have it extended, but no go. So, I had to decide what to do.

Full-time school just wasn't going to work anymore, because I need to work more now. I have to drop two of my classes. It's only two of the four because the other two I can do online. Time is freed up, so now to look for extra income. I may have to go back to working two jobs.

Honestly, that makes me cry. I've worked two jobs before, and it sucks all of my energy and time, meaning less - if any - time with my kids. They may drive me crazy, but I need to spend time with them. I need their hugs and madness to keep me going.

The new year usually brings stuff like this, and now you know why I don't place much hope in the changing of a number. The new normal I wanted? I wanted a BETTER normal.

I am feeling quite manic indeed today.

Land of the Lost

Do you ever feel lost?

Not lost as in you didn't want to actually ask for directions. Lost in your life.

I feel like that right now.

I fell like the road that I've been on for the past year or two isn't the right one. Maybe I made a wrong turn somewhere. Or maybe I am on the right road but I can't tell because nothing looks familiar.

I don't like being lost. When I'm in the car - no matter who's driving - and I even think we may be lost, I panic. My heart starts racing and I start to get a little freaked out. There have been a few times I've been lost by myself - really lost - and I have a full-blown freak-out with the crying and panic attack. I think being lost is one of my biggest fears.

So, when my life in general feels lost, I feel helpless and get nervous. As though I'm 5 months pregnant and in the ghetto in a new town I've never been in and I have no idea at all how to get back to where I'm staying. (True story. Not the best memory.)

We all want to be in control. I want to be in control. I want to know what's coming up, where I'm going, how I'm going to get there. Change directions? No problem, just tell me which way to go now. Right now, I don't know any of that.

This is the part where it's really, really, really hard to let go. To trust that God knows where He's taking me. HUGE struggle for me! It only makes sense to let him. I mean, I can't remember where I put my Chapstick half the time, so how can I trust myself with my life plan?

I still feel completely lost and confused and more than a little panicked. I'm just hoping for a glimpse of the map at this point.

When Hope Doesn't Float

I have to admit something.

Today I don't really like hope.

Does anyone else feel that sometimes, or am I the only one?

And considering it's Christmas, and the Hope of the world is what we're celebrating, I feel pretty heathen-ish right about now.

I suppose it's because I get so tired of waiting and waiting and praying and, well, HOPING for things that never happen. They're not crazy things. I'm not hoping for a giant mansion or bazillions of dollars or fame or any other outlandish thing. (I don't consider hoping that Alex O'Loughlin and I meet and he falls in love with me outlandish. Just sayin')

The Bible says lots about hope and hope-like subjects. I have lots of them written down for quick reference. I read them a lot, just to remind myself that God promises that He won't fail those who's hope is in Him.

And yet today I feel a little failed.

Which, as a Christian, I know is not how I'm supposed to feel. Funny thing is, though, that I don't feel all that guilty about not feeling sunshine and rainbow hope.

Gasp.

Deep down, I know that I haven't been failed. I know that He hears me. It bugs me that He hasn't answered, but I know that He's ok with me being bugged. How can I say that? Because I believe that He is more interested in my honesty then with putting on a holy-show. I kind of figure that He knows what I'm really thinking anyway, so it doesn't do any good to act hope-filled and happy when I'm not.

So, right now, after years of hoping for certain things, and praying for them and still not seeing anything, I'm not feeling the hope-love right now. In fact, hope makes me a little angry.

I think of Proverbs 13:12 a lot - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Today my heart is sick. Anyone else feel that way sometimes, or am I the only one?

Manic Monday - Worry Sucks

(I've decided to take Mondays and write about serious stuff going on in life. Serious stuff sometimes makes me a little manic-y, therefore it is Manic Mondays. Or MM, since that's shorter for title purposes.)

I'm a little older than most students, but circumstances got themselves (maybe with a little God-nudge) to where I could go to school. I started in July 2009. It's been great. Makes me super busy and sometimes I have a freak-out-attack (or more than sometimes), but it's worked out well. As a veteran, I get to use the GI Bill. As a single mom, I don't make a lot of money, so I get good grants to pay for school. It's a winning combo.

When I signed up for the Navy many moons ago, I was told that the GI Bill would cover all of my school as long as I start using it before I was out of the military for 10 years. It seems that either a) that was not true, or b) it's changed. Now I find out that it ends after 10 years - no matter what.

Hard to believe that I'm this old, but come February 22, 2011, I will have been out of the Navy for 10 years. And the VA won't extend my GI Bill, even when my Congressman requested it.

You see, there are four whole reasons they will accept to extend benefits. It seems that bankruptcy, divorce and struggling single-parenthood does not fall into one of their reasons. So, come February 22, 2011, 1/2 of my income is gone.

To say I'm stressed is a slight understatement.

As a Christian, I'm supposed to not worry, right? I'm sure that, if you know the Bible at all, you could come up with a few verses about not worrying or stressing or freaking out. In fact, I've thought of more than a few in the few seconds it's taken me to type this. And I read them almost every night, and I try to "let go and let God" (I hate Christian cliches).

But the fact remains that I'm worried.

I'm blessed much more than a lot of single moms. I live with my parents and have a fantastic support system. But, we're all just getting by right now. And I'm scared of what will happen in a couple of months when just rent and a (pretty small) car payment leave me in the hole.

So, here I am - a worried Christian. (Which is kind of like jumbo shrimp or pygmy mammoth (really - look it up).)

The nice thing? God totally understands, and will do what He does in spite of my manic-ness.