Land of the Lost

Do you ever feel lost?

Not lost as in you didn't want to actually ask for directions. Lost in your life.

I feel like that right now.

I fell like the road that I've been on for the past year or two isn't the right one. Maybe I made a wrong turn somewhere. Or maybe I am on the right road but I can't tell because nothing looks familiar.

I don't like being lost. When I'm in the car - no matter who's driving - and I even think we may be lost, I panic. My heart starts racing and I start to get a little freaked out. There have been a few times I've been lost by myself - really lost - and I have a full-blown freak-out with the crying and panic attack. I think being lost is one of my biggest fears.

So, when my life in general feels lost, I feel helpless and get nervous. As though I'm 5 months pregnant and in the ghetto in a new town I've never been in and I have no idea at all how to get back to where I'm staying. (True story. Not the best memory.)

We all want to be in control. I want to be in control. I want to know what's coming up, where I'm going, how I'm going to get there. Change directions? No problem, just tell me which way to go now. Right now, I don't know any of that.

This is the part where it's really, really, really hard to let go. To trust that God knows where He's taking me. HUGE struggle for me! It only makes sense to let him. I mean, I can't remember where I put my Chapstick half the time, so how can I trust myself with my life plan?

I still feel completely lost and confused and more than a little panicked. I'm just hoping for a glimpse of the map at this point.